


the tide

by suneye



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Abandonment, Abusive Relationships, Canon Compliant, Healing, Heartbreak, maia roberts deserves the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 14:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20695412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suneye/pseuds/suneye
Summary: She thinks, look how fast the tide turns. She thinks, I don’t like the water, and I don’t like change, and I don’t like my brother.





	the tide

**Author's Note:**

> this one is for for #MaiaRobertsAppreciation week, for day 5's prompt "the sea"! but I feel like it combined with day 6's "change" as well, so hey, two birds with one stone
> 
> please heed the warnings! this work is canon compliant (a bit of which I borrowed from the books, which I've never read), so abuse, trauma, and insecurity are themes that are bound to show up. if you do decide to read further, I hope you like this!

The tide comes and it goes and it takes pieces of her with it.

It first turns in her childhood, when she is innocent and unsuspecting and still trusts the world. It rises with the family dog running around the yard with her, licking her face and listening to what she has to say. It falls with Daniel pushing her to the ground and her not being able to fight back.

She thinks, _ look how fast the tide turns _ . She thinks, _ I don’t like the water, and I don’t like change, and I don’t like my brother _.

Jordan marks the next high tide. He drowns her in affection. In compliments. In gifts and in support. And when the high is over, when he retreats into the shadows with that horrified look on his face the way the tide retreats back into the ocean, she wonders what she did wrong for him to nearly drown her in her own blood.

The tide rises with Luke holding her hands in his own and telling her she’s not alone. It falls with the door slamming shut behind him, leaving her in the dark. With him always choosing someone else over her.

The tide rises with Gretel baking for her when she’s feeling down and letting her sleep on her couch when she has nightmares. It falls with Maia realizing her body has grown cold and she is never coming back.

The tide rises with Simon, whose charm and warmth and laugh flood her senses. Who holds her and kisses her and helps her heal. Who reminds her change is nothing to be scared of. It falls with him smiling when he tells her he fell out of love with her after she left for the weekend. It falls with him yelling at her for doing what he would have done and walking away like he deserves the last word. It falls with him kissing other girls in front of her and her not even being angry, because she knew it was coming. It always does.

The tide rises. Maybe this time, she’ll be good enough to make someone stay. The tide falls. Nothing lasts forever.

She lies in her bed alone one night and thinks, _ I didn’t deserve to be hurt, and I didn’t deserve to be abandoned. _

She hears her friends cheer for her when she accepts her degree and thinks, _ it wasn’t my fault. It will never be my fault. And when this happiness, too, ends, I am going to be okay. _

And she is. She hurts and she cries and she heals, because she knows the push and pull of the tide is strong both ways.

Sometimes an unexpected person or thing walks into her life and changes it, for better or for worse. But most of the time, she ushers in the change herself, lets the pride and triumph and love and grief and regret and frustration and all the other emotions wash over her and everyone around her.

_ I am not afraid of the ocean anymore, _ she thinks. _ I have become the ocean. _


End file.
